I tried, I really did, but sometimes it was just too hard. I never wanted you to know what was going on with me, I never wanted to draw attention to myself. But, in doing so, I ended up the jerk. Out of nowhere, I stopped initiating plans, no longer partook in group activities, and withdrew myself from conversations. More often than not, I’d say I’d try to hang out, but knew in my heart the effort would never be made. However, if you recall, I wasn’t always like that.
I have countless memories with you guys and enjoyed each adventure making new ones. The crazy trips to the mall, trying on clothes and shoes we’d never think of buying. Starting food fights in restaurants and being too loud in movie theaters. Girl’s nights that ranged from horror movies to makeovers to baking cookies. But one day it all changed. I didn’t have the energy anymore. I slowly started to lose interest and noticed a facade I consistently put up every time we were together. My laughter turned empty and resulted in the craving of isolation.
I can’t tell you exactly when things changed, or why, but they did. I knew you could see it too. The once outgoing and free-spirited girl became more quiet. She kept to herself more often and seemed less energetic. Plans started to fall through and I receded from the group.
Most nights I wanted to be alone. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone and stayed at home. Nothing sounded fun anymore and rendezvous’ started to seem trivial and meaningless. I didn’t understand what was going on with me, I didn’t know how to react, but I never once asked for help or to be understood and that’s on me. I yearned for the good ol’ days where fun and happiness seemed so easily achievable, but they soon became out-of-reach.
I am so sorry for distancing myself. As much as it hurt me, I can’t imagine how it must have hurt you too. However, no matter how many times I cancelled plans, you never stopped inviting me places. Though I constantly felt like an outcast, out of place and like I no longer belonged, you never gave up on me and I cannot tell you how much that means to me. And so, I’d like to thank you for your patience with me. Despite feeling like a terrible friend, I never felt treated terribly. You loved me for all my dents and bruises, it just took me a while to figure that out.