In high school, I recall constantly being called lazy. My room was always a mess, assignments were done last minute, and I hated doing chores around the house.
In all actuality, I really just had poor time management skills. I completed assignments in the order they were due rather than in order of priority or which ones required more time. My room was never cleaned not because I didn’t feel like it, but because I truly didn’t have time. As for chores, the same applied. I thought my schoolwork was more important than maintaining a clean living space.
In the following years, however, the term ‘lazy’ was something I grew into. It was thrown around so much, it became a self-fulfilling prophecy. All those things I’ve been called lazy for before became true. I didn’t want to do homework, I didn’t want to clean. Heck, when it came to applying for colleges, I did that last minute too. I lived with being called lazy for years, and I was honestly okay with it. I didn’t care what people thought about how I was getting stuff done, at least it was getting done eventually.
But, one day, things seemed to change. It wasn’t that I didn’t want to do anything anymore, it was that I couldn’t. I didn’t just lose motivation, I lost energy. I’d lay on the couch feeling debilitated. Cleaning was exhausting. socializing was exhausting, being productive was exhausting. Everything was exhausting.
As I talked about it with others, I realized it wasn’t laziness. I truly did not have the strength to do the simplest of activities. Depression not only drains you emotionally, but mentally and physically as well. With lack of motivation comes lack of inspiration and energy, and if that wasn’t bad enough, queue the anxiety.
Your mind starts racing at 100 mph, ‘what if’ this and ‘what if’ that. The anxiety is almost as bad as the debilitation because now you’re hard on yourself for not doing things or asking yourself “what if I tried a little harder at this?” Every setback is a failure in your eyes and you always think you could have done better.
As you may have noticed (or not, that’s okay too), we haven’t posted to the blog in a while. We wanted to, we really did. But we couldn’t find the strength to actually bring ourselves to do it and sometimes that is the case.
Sometimes you find yourself not being able to do anything and so often that’s mistaken for laziness. Sometimes you can’t get up, you can’t clean, you’re exhausted after the simplest of things. You open up to others about it and they call you lazy, but let me ease your mind in telling you that that isn’t laziness.
That is not laziness.
Depression has this debilitating effect on people where finding not only motivation is difficult, but finding energy is as well. Life is harder, and it takes more to find the strength to move past that.
So, for all who find themselves in this situation, or have found themselves in this situation before, I want to tell you this: Don’t let other people make you feel worse for trying your hardest just because it doesn’t match up with their expectations. Depression isn’t laziness and you are not your depression. Push back as much as you can and don’t beat yourself up for falling down. The failure isn’t in the fall, but in the not getting back up.