When Desire Hurts

Do you ever want something so bad it hurts?
I mean, it physically hurts. It feels like the icy fingers of dread slowly creeping up your body. It inches its way to your heart and wraps its coldness around it. It’s like when you get a pit in your stomach, when you’re waiting for bad news….except it’s in your heart.

Or rather, where your heart should be.
That type of pain.
So do you? Ever want something so bad it hurts? I have dreams that are so strong that passion turns to pain.
It’s enough to drive us mad. It causes anxiety. It causes depression.
Understandably so, since it sits on us like a heavy load.
In 1994, Langston Hughes wrote a poem on it:
Harlem
BY LANGSTON HUGHES
What happens to a dream deferred?
      Does it dry up
      like a raisin in the sun?
      Or fester like a sore—
      And then run?
      Does it stink like rotten meat?
      Or crust and sugar over—
      like a syrupy sweet?
      Maybe it just sags
      like a heavy load.
      Or does it explode?
As much as it may hurt, I keep thinking that its for a reason. After all, why would I want something this badly if it wasn’t in my destiny? If it wasn’t my fate to achieve it?
But how does that work for those in love with their abusers? You can desire a happy life with them with all your heart…it’s just not going to happen.
I’ve been told to just wait, that if something is meant for me, it’ll make its way to me. I’ve also been told that dreams can poison us inside. Heck, Langston Hughes asked if deferred dreams explode within us. If it does explode, what would that look like? Is this pain the consequence of a dream exploded?
But I digress.
I’ve always believed that the only way to achieve a dream is to fight for it.
Believing that things are meant to be mine makes it easier to fight for something. We can all handle a fight if we know we’ll be victorious. But how many of us can fight so hard for something that’s unsure?
If I give my everything to this, what will I have left if I don’t succeed?
That’s the type of thing that keeps me up at night. I keep asking myself what I should do. Every time I question this, I come to the same conclusion. I can’t lose if I don’t fight, but I can’t win either.
I know the fight is in me, just like I know the fight is in the person reading this. We are capable of amazing things when we reach down inside ourselves. Put a wall behind you and say the only way to go is forward.
I don’t know when I’ll start the fight, but I will. I hope you’re already fighting, or that if you’re stuck, you’re fighting your way out of that hole.
We all have to fight for what we want. We only have one life, don’t let it pass you by.
And yes, it’s harder than it seems.
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Published by

Lauraine

A twenty-something year old with a much older soul. Working her way through the psych field with an up-close and personal interaction with mental health suffering. A writer who’s always dreaming of more adventures than can fit into one lifetime. Holds a bachelors degree in psychology.

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